Music Service


Lyrics by: Steve Allen
# Debut Chart
56 Dec '55 Top 100


Immediately following the Innocence of childhood And the freedom of bachelorhood Comes that incredible creature Known as a wife Wives come in assorted colors That vary from day to day Platinum blonde, red, ash blonde Brunnette, henna, auburn and camel brown According to a recent thirty day survey By the way, more doctors are switching To camel-haired women than ever before All wives have one creed in common To spend every nickel of every dime Of every dollar of every pay check Before you get it, in this respect They`re very much like the government Wives are found everywhere In reducing saloons, bridge parties Saks Fifth Avenue, beauty parlors Bargain basements, in your hair On your lap, in mud packs, maternity rooms And going through your pockets

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Mothers love them, mothers-in-law tolerate them Spinsters envy them and husbands fear them A wife is a purity with cold cream on her face Dignity with a dish mop in her hands Beauty with curlers in her hair and Wisdom with an unbalanced checkbook No matter how busy you are Your wife`ll keep you on the phone til She gets that new dress she saw downtown But when you want to show her off She hasn`t a thing to wear A wife is a composite of many things The curiosity of an income tax collector The suspicion of a detective The imagination of a psycho-analyst And the temper of a marine first-sergeant She likes charge accounts, babies Soap operas, diets, all kinds of presents Gossip, a 21-inch waistline, mink coats Sleeping late, eating out and other men She hates corsets, ironing, being over thirty Husbands who use guest towels, budgets Cigars, The Jones` Cadillac Her husband`s secretary and other women Nobody can get as happy on One glass of champagne or be So late to so many appointments Nobody could spend as much time Tweezing, plucking, vibrating Combing, brushing, polishing Rubbing on, rubbing off Touching up and still come out looking Pretty much the same as she did before Nobody can be so illogical Cry so conveniently, interrupt so frequently Or louse up the punch line Of a good story so often And nobody else can cram Into one small pocketbook Four lipsticks, last years expired license Ten handkercheifs, two lumps of Wrapped sugar, hairpins, an extra Pair of nylons, keys to the trunk In the attic, two compacts A raffle ticket for a turkey and enough Perfume to keep her going for eight years A wife is a magical creature She can make more things disappear Just when you need them She`s your warden, your overseer Your treasurer, your probation officer And your wife And when you come home at night Tired from a rough day at the office Longing for your slippers And a warm fire There`s nothing in the world like A wife to greet you at the door With three little words Where`s the money


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