Music Service


by Gabe Kaplan
Lyrics by:
# Debut Chart
91 Jan '77 Hot 100


Yes friends, there are times in life when you reach a point of conflict with one of your fellow human beings When this stuff happens, is yellin' and screamin' the answer? No Is foul language or physical violence the answer? No There is a new answer So the next time one of your brothers or sisters is mean to you I want you take my advice Let your arms dangle loose at your side Take a deep breath Smile and say (Up your nose) Up your nose (With a rubber hose) With a rubber hose (Twice as far) Twice as far (With a chocolate bar) With a chocolate bar (In your ear) In your ear brother (With a can of beer) With a can of beer sister (If you don't like that) If you don't like that (Try a baseball bat)

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Now let me give you a hypothetical situation Let's say your brother-in-law comes over And he tells you that he's convinced your wife To put to mortgage your house And put all your money into styrofoam lawn ornaments Now I know what you'd like to say to your wife I know what you'd like to do to your brother-in-law But that's not what I want you to do Let your arms hang loose at your sides Take a deep breath, smile, say (Up your nose) Up your nose, Raymond (With a garden hose) I believe there's one in the garden (Twice as hard) Twice as hard, Evelyn (With a chocolate bar) Why don't you look in the fridge? (In your ear) Styrofoam lawn ornaments (With a can of beer) Last time it was microwave hot dogs (If you don't like that) Time before that electric shoes (Try a baseball bat) This is Howard Cosell Monday night football, the Steelers against the Rams There's a disturbance on the field Could be a big melée Well what's happening now? The players are taking off their helmets They're letting their arms dangle loose at their sides And they're taking a deep breath They're smiling Let's see if we can hear what they're saying (Up your nose) You ain't so mean, Joe Greene (With a rubber hose) Ah, go sit on a goal post Otis (Twice as hard) Offside? your mama's offside (With a chocolate bar) You know what you can do with your front-four (In your ear) Hey Bradshaw, sing me a song (With a can of beer) Let's get Cosell down from the booth (If you don't like that) Well in your eye with a pizza pie (With a baseball bat) Now all you folks here tonight look like decent people People interested in self-improvement So the next time some clown for no good reason climbs all over your case I want you to let your arms hang loose at your sides, that's it Now take a deep breath. Good. Smile! Say! (Up your nose) Come on, get into it (With a rubber hose) Think of the phone company (Twice as far) Ah that's it, now get down (With a chocolate bar) How about a school cafeteria (In your ear) Alright, now you're cookin' (With a can of beer) How about landladies (If you don't like that) The Pillsbury Dough Boy (Try a baseball bat) You are beautiful (Up your nose) The Gong Show! (With a rubber hose) Singing cat commercials! (Twice as far) Star Trek conventions! (With a chocolate bar) Frozen dinners! (In your ear) Stand-up comedians! (With a can of beer) Skateboarders with CB radios (If you don't like that) People who talk to plants (Try a baseball bat) Plants who talk to people (Up your hose) Tight shoes! (With a rubber hose) Tight socks! (Twice as far) (With a chocolate bar) (In your ear) (With a can of beer) (And if you don't like that) (Try a baseball bat) (Up your nose) (With a rubber hose) [FADE]


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